593 Mary Hyatt:
Have you ever felt like you were sleepwalking through life, things just happening to you … … not for you, feeling numb, anxious or depressed, on the outside looking in, your inner self knowing there is something more if you could just find it.
I’m Melinda Wittstock and today on Wings of Inspired Business we meet an inspiring woman who one day looked at herself and the mirror, in emotional and physical pain, and chose to transformed her life.
Now Mary Hyatt’s mission is to help other high achieving female entrepreneurs move from living a life of burnout and overwhelm … to one where they are truly connected to themselves, their true feelings, their body and their spirit. A mindset coach, Mary shares today how she helps her clients back to what she calls “enoughness”.
Mary will be here in a moment, and first…
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So, what does it take to succeed without guilt, tradeoff, burnout, overwhelm or apology?
The answer is within you – within all of us, and today we talk with Mary Hyatt, a life and business mindset coach who specializes in helping high achieving female entrepreneurs move from living a life of burnout to a life where we can embrace our enoughness, our feminine power, with self-love and self-acceptance.
Mary also hosts the Living Fully Alive podcast where she dives deeper into mindset and helps her listeners learn to embody a life fully lived.
She’s also also a Top Earner with doTERRA Essential Oils, helping teach women how to support their bodies and emotions holistically, as well as a trained Hypnotherapist and Kundalini Yoga Instructor.
Today we dig deep into mindset and consciousness, how to leverage our emotions to attract what we want into our lives and much more.
Let’s put on our wings with the inspiring Mary Hyatt.
Melinda Wittstock: Mary, welcome to Wings.
Mary Hyatt: Hey Melinda. I know this is going to be such a good conversation.
Melinda Wittstock: Oh, I know. I love what you’re doing because it is so, so important for women to get the right mindset they need to be able to succeed and scale their businesses. What was it in your life that prompted you to go in this direction in your career, helping six-figure women kind of get out of all the overwhelm and all the fear and everything?
Mary Hyatt: You know, it’s such a profound story to me even to this day, because I just felt so guided in my journey to really learn who I was, learn how to process and feel emotions and ultimately totally transform who I was and my personality based on mindset work. Of course, as most people’s stories start this way, it came from crisis. It came from trauma. If you were to rewind the clock about eight, nine years ago, you would have met a very different person. I was about 80 pounds heavier than I am now. I was in a marriage that was really just not life-giving. I was struggling with tons of anxiety and depression. I wasn’t working. I was a college dropout. I didn’t have a career, and I found myself at this crossroads of being just numb to life, like sleep-walking through life. Miserable, in physical pain and emotional pain.
I can remember so clearly this moment of looking at my eyes in the mirror and it was the only thing that I recognized. Everything else, my physical appearance, my demeanor, it was like, who is this woman? I saw that little glimmer of light in my own eyes and I remember having to make a really conscious choice in that moment. I’m from Nashville and born and raised, totally Southern. So here in the South, we say that’s like a come to Jesus moment. It was like, “Okay girl, are you willing to believe that there is more to life than this?” It was a defining moment for me and I chose to believe. I didn’t know how I was going to get there. I didn’t know what the road was going to look like to create a life that I actually wanted to be alive for and awake for, but I was willing to go and figure it out.
So like any good beginning entrepreneur, I ordered about 20 books on Amazon, got them shipped to my house. They were all self-help, self-development books and I started going to the school of life for self-development and started doing the deep hard work of figuring out how I had gotten to such a place where I had created, through my mindset, a very bleak existence. I remember thinking if I created this life that was full of pain and struggle and self-loathing and self-hatred, if I created all of that through my thoughts, through my mindset, through beliefs, I can turn this ship around and I can create something better using different thoughts, different beliefs, different mindset. It became kind of a challenge for me to figure out how good I could do it, how good I could create my life to be. And the rest is kind of history.
Melinda Wittstock: I think you said something that is a pattern that I see on this podcast with all the accomplished women that I interview. Everyone has had a crisis. It was the crisis that led everyone to grow. It was either a health crisis or finding yourself in a bad marriage or having a business failure or … I don’t know, something. It had to get really, really bad before getting this kind of wake up call to change. So now you’re working with all these women who have six figure businesses. I know that moment well, where your business has grown and it’s growing, but there’s just you, or maybe a small team around you and if your mindset is such that it can’t grow any bigger without you doing more, you’re kind of inventing your own glass ceiling. I think that stops so many women. So how do you help women kind of get out of their own way there? What are the biggest blocks that they have mindset wise?
Mary Hyatt: Yeah. I think that’s a great point and I see that so often myself with the clients that I work with, because at the beginning, we lead with this masculine energy. It’s like we got to hustle, we got to grind, we got to do all this work we have to achieve, we’re working late hours and it’s one woman show. I mean, we’re doing all the things. We’re editing the podcast, we’re doing the graphics, we’re doing the website updates. We’re taking the client calls. Typically, at the beginning of any kind of start of a new business, it’s a one to two person kind of show. It’s great because at some point you go, “Great. I know that by my effort I can get myself to a certain place for success. I can make six figures, I can grind it out. I can work longer hours,” and we start associating effort with our success.
As long as I am exhausted, as long as I am stressed out, as long as I am showing up and doing the work, I know, and this is sort of our lie that we tell ourselves, if we can manage it, if we can control it, then we can make sure we can have an outcome that we want to have. But you’re exactly right. There comes this tipping point where you literally have no more to give and it is utter exhaustion. I actually kind of had that moment for myself of going, “I can’t give any more. I have no bandwidth left. I’m totally depleted. I am totally burnt out. Yet I know that in order for me …” and this was the lie that I was telling myself. The story that I was telling myself was that in order for me to get to the next level, I’ve got to find somewhere inside of myself more energy, more give.
Melinda Wittstock: More, more, more, more, more.
Mary Hyatt: More, more, more, more. It’s like, if you look at that and that’s the trajectory, if you’re seeing this as the tunnel vision type of reality for your future, there is no way you’re going to do that. Because your insides, your soul knows it’s just simply not possible. So we self-sabotage, and it’s heartbreaking because it doesn’t have anything to do with our capability or talent or what we’re able to create, and it has everything to do with the fact that we’ve bought into the story that to get more, I have to do more. It’s the hustle fallacy and it crushes me because it’s not even true and yet the whole idea of mindset is that every single thought that we think, every sentence that rolls through our mind, every belief we have is an opinion, is an interpretation, is a meaning that we give what’s happening in our life.
But it’s not fact, it’s not objective, and it’s actually not even true unless we choose to believe that it is. I think that’s where it gets tricky, because if we think that that is God’s law, if that is absolutely nobody can argue with it, in order to be successful, I have to be more depleted, more exhausted, then we’re going to do everything we can subconsciously to not be more successful because we believe that’s the only truth and the only option available.
Melinda Wittstock: So this is the interesting thing, I find. The difference between men and women is men are more likely to understand the concept of leverage. By that I mean, it’s like they’re the first to think who can I delegate this to? Yes, the work has to be done, but it doesn’t have to be done by me.
Mary Hyatt: Sure. Yes.
Melinda Wittstock: Even my son knew that as a four year old, whereas my daughter as a four year old did not. Right? Is it so wired into our brains?
Mary Hyatt: Well, I think it’s culturally … kind of a cultural norm. I also think that women, as we know, are amazing at multitasking and we have been taught and conditioned from an early age to be yes women, to be people pleasers. I mean, I’m from the South. So it’s really strong here. It’s like, “Oh, you need me to do something? Okay.” We don’t even pause to think if we can do it or have the energy to do it or want to do it. It’s just an automatic obligatory yes. So the thought of handing that off to someone, and again, this is another thought, another piece of this puzzle, that we believe that if we were to take some time for ourselves to rest, to replenish and to delegate, that’s selfish. Men don’t have that issue. They don’t think that, but women … all of a sudden, it means something about who they are their worth of a woman that they can’t handle it.
So it takes a conscious effort really to redefine what success is. For me, what I love working on with my clients is helping them to bring in that femininity and to say, “What if this didn’t have to look like that grind and hustle? What if success for you included space and time for rejuvenation, for replenishment, for nurturing the whole self, your body, your mind, your spirit, your emotions? What if there were space to be wildly successful and have boundaries? To be able to make multiple six figures, seven figures, and still feel like you have a life outside of work?” All the sudden, if we can begin to let our future self kind of come online and to decide a new vision of what it is that we want to create as our own definition, our own unique definition of success, then we have a whole new rule book. Then we have a whole new set of measuring sticks that doesn’t include not being able to delegate or give more when we have nothing left to give.
All of a sudden now success means I get to delegate. Success means I get to hire someone else to do this piece of whatever it is that I’m not great at or don’t have energy to do. But I think it starts with redefining what success could look like for ourselves and getting rid of that old narrative that it equals exhaustion. Because what if it didn’t? What a success was the most balanced that you could ever feel? That’s how I see it. It’s like the more successful I get in my mind, the less I’m actually working.
Melinda Wittstock: Oh, gosh. Yeah, I started moving away consciously from a to-do list because the to-do list was never done and it was never really prioritized. Not really. I moved more to an intention list, like, “What do I want completed today? What would completion look like?” Kind of imagining it completed, allowing myself to feel a feeling of kind of joy and gratitude for it being completed, not really sweating the how it was going to get completed, but just putting that out there. Things started to change for me because I started to … It consciously started guiding me to really pick the things that I was going to do that had the most leverage and not really being so much tied to how it got done or attached to, that it had to be me or whatever. That intention list soon morphed into … Actually went even further into an inspiration list and that is where I get the downloads for my morning meditation and orient my day that way.
Mary Hyatt: Wow. It’s so powerful and one of the things that you said struck me was this idea of the feeling piece of this, because what I think is so important to remember is that as humans, we don’t get off on the achieving. We think we do, but what we actually get off on is how we think the achievement is going to make us feel.
Melinda Wittstock: Right. That’s why so many entrepreneurs hit the milestone and feel empty.
Mary Hyatt: Right. Yes.
Melinda Wittstock: Or depressed actually, because they thought when they hit that goal of six figures, seven figures, or this client or that client, or on the cover of X magazine or whatever the milestone is, they get there and it’s empty and they’re like, “Oh, all that work was for nothing.”
Mary Hyatt: Yeah. It’s heartbreaking and I think that one of my favorite things to get into and talk about is this idea of practicing feeling your emotions ahead of time. Because you talked about feeling joy, feeling gratitude. It’s a skill set just like anything, and to me as little kids, we aren’t taught how to experience, feel and process our emotions. That is not a class we get in school. Certainly our parents are probably not great role models of how to do this, and so we don’t learn. I like to think if I want to feel how I expect myself to feel when I hit a certain goal. So let’s say I want to break into seven figures and I’m hoping that the minute that I see that happened in my bank account, or it turns over, that I’m going to feel ecstatic joy, let’s say.
Well, if I have never in my life practiced feeling ecstatic joy, how would I know what that feeling feels like in my spirit, in my body? I have no reference point to ecstatic joy if every day I’m experiencing overwhelm, anxiety, stress, panic, pressure. All of those kind of low vibe emotions, that’s what I’m practiced in. That’s what I’m feeling every day, day in, day out. I wake up and I remind myself how exhausted and overwhelmed I am and then everything throughout my day reiterate that. So all day I’m hard-wiring those emotions in my brain to feel more of it. So there’s just no way the brain is going to be able to pull out of thin air ecstatic joy if I’ve never felt it.
Melinda Wittstock: If you started to practice and recall where were the times in your life, or what were you doing when you were feeling that ecstatic joy, and almost applying that ecstatic joy to, okay, what are the things that you’re doing in your business that could give you that sense of ecstatic joy? Allowing yourself to kind of feel … Even if it hasn’t happened yet through visualization, you can hook into it that way.
Mary Hyatt: Yes. Totally, and I love that practice of visualization in the morning because I can practice feeling that emotional state ahead of time. I can use my imagination to fast forward into the future in my mind, and imagine hitting that seven figure mark, let’s say, or whatever it is that I want to accomplish. Right then and there, sitting in my chair and present time, I can practice feeling ecstatic joy. I can begin to feel what my heart feels like when it expands. I can feel myself smile and really physically let myself smile, totally enter in to that ecstatic joy right here in advance in the present. What’s so beautiful about that is that then everything in my day is going to emanate from that state of being. If I start my day practicing gratitude and I don’t even just mean saying the words, “I’m grateful for XYZ.”
I mean actually emotionally engaging with gratitude, emotionally feeling and experiencing gratitude as a physical sensation in the body, like feeling it in the heart, feeling it in the stomach, feeling it in the shoulders, feeling like it is just expanding every time you inhale, and every time you exhale, you’re just sending that out more and more. Oh my gosh. All of a sudden, I want to feel more of that. That to my brain is like a giant dopamine hit. So all of a sudden, just like in the same way I want to look for those negative emotions to hardwire in more and more the stress and overwhelm, now all of a sudden I’m going to want to start hard wiring in more gratitude, more joy and so I start becoming more aware of those little moments throughout the day that can help me feel that.
Then I’m practicing it. Just like learning a new language. The more I can feel, the more I can learn the vocabulary of Spanish, let’s say, I become fluent in it. I actually can begin to speak the language and the same thing with emotions. We can become fluent in these higher vibe emotions if we practice our emotional vocabulary, our feeling states more and more every day.
Melinda Wittstock: It is a practice and this is a thing that a lot of people forget. Or sorry, I’m going to say that differently. This is a thing that a lot of people don’t really understand. They think life or happiness is about the destination, rather than the journey and learning to enjoy the journey. I mean, even actually those fail moments, because if you look back in your life or anyone looks back in their lives, certainly as an entrepreneur, certainly this is the case for me, I can’t really think of anything I’ve learned from success. I mean, success has given me confidence, validation, but it’s the fail moments, it’s the when things aren’t working, it’s accepting those with gratitude because they’re learning opportunities and switching your mindset around that.
Because the failures are going to be inevitable if you’re an entrepreneur. There are going to be people who say no to you in a sales context. There’s going to be constant times when you do … If you’re a tech entrepreneur like me and you’re on this road of investor meetings and it’s like, no, no, no, no, no, no. And then there’s a yes, right? Or you create something, a feature on an app and that feature’s not really working well, or you have some sort of setback or you’re struggling to make payroll or all the things that are going to happen. There’s so many. It’s a such a long list, right? After a while with those. They’re just like, “Oh yeah, okay. That’s part of the day. That’s cool. What can I learn from this?” And being grateful for them. I think that practice for me has really revolutionized how I approach it. I wouldn’t say that I knew that out of the gate. I’m on business five.
Mary Hyatt: Right. You’re like, “I’ve had some practice.”
Melinda Wittstock: I’ve had some practice with that one, right? But now, Podopolo, my podcasting network …, it’s written into our company values that we’re all about failing forward because we’re a company that’s really innovation focused. So the failure is a necessary part of innovation.
Mary Hyatt: It is, and what I love about what you’re sharing is that whether this was conscious or not, what you’re doing from a mindset perspective is you’re creating a meaning about that failure experience. You are making it mean something empowering versus disempowering. So it would be equally just as easy to say, “Okay, well, this failure means something about me, my worth, my value.” All of a sudden, you’re introducing shame into the equation. There’s something wrong with me. “I can’t just figure it out. I don’t get it. I’m stupid. I shouldn’t be in this. Everybody else is doing it better than me. I should give up.” That would be the story that you could choose about these certain failures. But what I love about what you’re doing is you’re very actively saying, “Here’s what I’m going to make this mean.”
Because failure in and of itself, just like anything else actually is neutral. It doesn’t mean anything until we assign it meaning. It’s not good or bad until we make failure good or bad. What you’ve done is you’ve made failure part of your path to success. It’s a necessary piece to get you where you want to go, and so therefore being grateful for it, all of a sudden takes that challenge and turns it into a blessing. But you’re doing that because you’re thinking about it in a particular way and you’re assigning meaning to it. That’s empowering versus disempowering. I think that we can really take that and apply it to anything really that happens in our life, business or otherwise, and say, “How do I want to choose my meaning here? What’s the interpretation I want to give this specific event that’s just happened?”
Even in the moment, and when you recognize, “Oh, I’m telling myself a story that’s making me the victim or that is really feeling discouraging, what would be another way of looking at this? How could I re-interpret this in a way that allows me to feel better about the situation and enter into more peace or gratitude or hope?” I think that’s what is in our power as humans, when we can use our mind to our advantage rather than our disadvantage.
Melinda Wittstock: So true. So I mean, a lot of the things that women struggle with, and actually there should be an AA for perfectionism.
Mary Hyatt: Amen.
Melinda Wittstock: Right? Because I believe that at the root of that perfectionism is an underlying subconscious belief that we’re not valuable enough or we don’t value ourselves. We’re continually striving to prove our expertise or competence or value by doing it all ourselves, right?
Mary Hyatt: Oh, 100%. It is absolutely a coping strategy, a way in which we are managing that feeling of not being enough or oftentimes … I find this so often. Just because we are adult women who are successful does not mean we don’t have issues from childhood. I see this time and time again with my clients where they are playing out some childhood reality of wanting to please their parents to be noticeable, to be good enough for their father or their mother to say I love you. So oftentimes when my clients come to me and they’re in that cycle of being a workaholic, driven by their need for perfectionism, it is coming from this deep seeded fear that if I don’t do this, if I don’t prove myself, I won’t be loved.
If we really peel it back and this is heavy and deep, but it is the truest thing that I find over and over again, if we pull all of that back, our greatest fear is that if we aren’t loved, and again, as adults, that comes through our work and what we achieve, if we aren’t loved, then we will be abandoned. It feels that primal. If we know anything about our primitive brain, when we think we’re going to be abandoned, that equals death. If we’re cast out from the tribe and we’re alone in the wilderness, it’s death. Our brain, sadly, hasn’t evolved enough beyond that reality of how it used to be, that it really does associate … If you go, “I’m trying to be perfect because ultimately, subconsciously, I feel like I’m going to be abandoned and that equals death.”
So we will do anything and everything burning ourselves out, exhausting ourselves, sacrificing ourselves to make sure we’re perfect enough to be loved. When I work with my clients, the fundamental belief there and mindset shift that has to happen is this idea that I am lovable just because I breathe. I cannot earn it and I cannot lose it. It’s just a fact. I am in my essence and being lovable and I’m no more lovable today than I was when I was born and I couldn’t talk and I couldn’t walk and I couldn’t give or contribute anything. I haven’t earned more lovability and I can’t earn anymore, even if I work harder or achieve more. That is a really beautiful belief to hold and it’s very liberating when we can take that on as our identity, that we are lovable just because we breathe.
Melinda Wittstock: So we’ve been talking a little bit about emotion and a lot of people are very afraid to feel their feelings. It’s kind of like if you have a bad thought or a bad feeling, the temptation is to bury that feeling. So you end up going through life kind of stacking plates. Those feelings aren’t going away, they’re just being suppressed. So they’re getting bigger and they’re now sort of subconscious or even unconscious, and they’re driving you because you haven’t taken the time to really feel them and consciously let them go. So how do you help people deal with those emotions or help them feel their emotions?
Mary Hyatt: Yeah, it really is … You said it perfectly. I mean, people are so afraid of their emotions, particularly what we would consider negative emotions, right? So anger is a big one that women are afraid of. Grief, a lot of times. Shame, a lot of times. So I think that first and foremost, we have to understand that our human experience is going to include the rainbow of emotions. I think that in the self-help world and the self-development world, there’s this misunderstanding that if we experience “negative emotions”, that means we’re a bad person. There’s good emotions and there’s bad emotions. There’s sanctioned emotions and unsanctioned emotions. I teach my clients from the get-go that we have to look at emotions as neutral and not assign morality to them. So if we can look at joy being equal to anger and not villianizing anger, it gives us a lot of permission to experience and feel anger without there having to be judgment that I shouldn’t be feeling this. Or I’m a bad person if I’m experiencing anger or feeling resentment or whatever it is.
To me, emotions are how we experience the world and they’re really helpful. Our negative emotions are just as helpful as our positive emotions. I want to experience all of them because the reality is in contrast, I need both. I need to feel sad so that I can feel the contrast of being happy. If I were happy 24/7, that would be so normal that I wouldn’t experience it as happiness. It’s almost like no emotion. So we need that polarity. We need those sort of opposites, that yin and yang energy for life. As we know, there are just things in life that are hard, that are emotional to go through. So I think we have to kind of see and make peace with emotions being our ally rather than our enemy and start with that sort of essential truth that emotions are our friends.
From that place, then we can move into some curiosity. So I think that the first step that I love to walk people through is this idea of creating this pause and awareness. We want to move from we get triggered and we instantly react to we get triggered, somebody says something to us that offends us, or somebody puts a deadline through our email and we automatically freak out, that we have trigger and then we pause. Then we can choose how to respond and that pause is the key to our sanity. That pause is our ticket to emotional freedom. It’s our gateway to peace. So in that pause, that’s when we get to experience our emotions. We can slow down to check-in with, “How am I feeling? What’s coming up for me right now?” Then I walk people through a process of learning how to experience and feel through their emotions.
Melinda Wittstock: So how long does it usually take for most of your clients to really get into the habit of feeling their feelings and being able to accept them and find gratitude? Accept the journey, just this kind of transformation,
Mary Hyatt: It can be as quick as in an instance. As to just developing that skill over time, it just gets quicker and easier. Like anything, the more that you do it, the easier it is. I have people who walk in my virtual door and have never sat with their feelings. They are totally foreign to that kind of language, to that idea. So for somebody like that, it might take them a little bit longer to release that resistance. Because so many people are afraid of if I feel my feelings, I’m going to go crazy. They have a belief that the reason that they are holding it all together is because they’re suppressing their emotions, and if they felt anything, A, they see that as weakness or B, they see that as uncontrollable and that if they sort of opened Pandora’s Box, who knows what’s going to come out and it might destroy their whole life.
So when that is going on as a conversation in the mind, we have to build up trust in that relationship with our emotions, little doses at a time. So that might start with doing a three minute just emotional check-in to begin with. I never want to overwhelm anyone to feel like, “Well, I’ve got to sit for hours and hours and cry everything out that I’ve felt since I was three years old.” It’s like, “No, no, no. Hang on. You don’t have to go into that place.” It can be as easy as bringing your attention to the present moment, taking a couple deep breaths and just checking in. Like, what’s the emotion right now in this present moment and if you’re listening and you can do this comfortably, do it. And just ask yourself, “What am I feeling?”
We are emotional beings, so every single person listening, myself included, Melinda included, we’re having an emotional experience right now. It’s like, “Okay, well, what am I feeling?” If we can name that emotion, and then the second part of this is where do you feel it in the body? Do you feel it in your throat? Do you feel it in your heart? Your stomach? Your neck? Your back? Again, if you can come at this without judgment or criticism or needing it to change or be different or fix it, you just come at it with curiosity and we’re just observing, we’re noticing what’s here. Then you might find that in the body, let’s say, in the stomach, and then I would say, “Okay, well, what does that feel like in your stomach as a physical sensation?” You might say, “Oh, it’s nausea or tightness or holding or just kind of a fluttering.” Beautiful.
Can we bring then some loving into that belly that feels nauseous? Can we just take a couple deep breaths and see if on the exhale we can soften and just let it be. Then the last part of this is asking ourselves, “Okay, with that acknowledgement of what I’m feeling in the body, what do I need? What do I need?” And that, whew, will change your life. Asking that question. What do I need, and meeting that with love will change your life. So it can be all of three minutes. You can do that process in three minutes. You can do that process in 20 minutes, but the more you do it, the easier it becomes.
Melinda Wittstock: Absolutely. So what’s the best way that people can find you and work with you, Mary?
Mary Hyatt: Yeah. So you can just go straight to my website, maryhyatt.com. You’ll find info on my podcast there, information about my coaching, my social media, all the goodies. Maryhyatt.com.
Melinda Wittstock: Wonderful. Well, thank you so much for putting on your wings and flying with us.
Mary Hyatt: Thank you so much.